'Red One' Review

To be able to critique a film, you have to care about it. It doesn’t matter if that care comes in the form of how much you loved or hated it, it just needs to be present. But every once in a while there comes a film that doesn’t do anything for you. A form of highway hypnosis takes over; a blank stare fixes upon your face, your posture slouches, and your sense of purpose has been fully diluted. Red One was one of those films for me, something that I should have easily foreseen. 

The solitary thought that broke through my catatonic state during the screening was a wish that the movie was worse, as it would at least be interesting to talk about. But it wasn’t, so the only ammunition I have to fill this valuable margin space is a list of things I didn’t care about:

• I didn’t care that every character’s motivation adheres to the tired “rubber-ducky school of drama.” Everyone is good or evil because of some innocuous thing in their childhood, which will certainly be explained at length.

  
  

• I didn’t care that the fine folks at Amazon funded a $250 million movie about the evils of consumerism. Although it’s probably not a coincidence that every act of consumer greed occurs at a mall, not online.

• I didn’t care that the film wanted to have its cake and eat it too when it came to the rules and logic. Every world leader is aware of the existence of Santa Claus, and he even uses military bases to land his sleigh. And yet, the rest of the world’s population still thinks he doesn’t exist. How do parents react when they buy presents for the kids and new ones appear under the chimney on Christmas morning? Are the leaders keeping Santa a secret to prop up the economy?

  
  

• I didn’t care that Santa’s helpers are now CGI trolls instead of elves. Milk and cookies are fine, but we’re drawing the line at elves?

  
  

• I didn’t care that the film used the convenient fact that the North Pole is in perpetual darkness during the winter months to cover up its laughably subpar effects.

  
  

• I didn’t care that none of the jokes would be worthy of appearing in the bottom rung of the MCU. Take a shot every time a character says an inherently silly line with a straight face, only for the other character to repeat that same line with an exacerbated tone.

  
  

• I didn’t care that the fourth-billed J.K. Simmons does absolutely nothing for 80% of the movie. What do you mean he got totally jacked for the role and then proceeded to sit in a snow globe jail cell for 100 consecutive minutes?

• I didn’t care that Nick Kroll, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, and Bonnie Hunt were totally wasted in nothing roles.

  
  

• I didn’t care that enough holiday-related mythological creatures were sprinkled throughout to tease the establishment of a cinematic universe.

After reading that list (and checking it twice), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “For a movie you didn’t care about, you certainly had a lot to say about it.” My answer is simple: I don’t care, and neither should you. Checkmate.